My Identity Crisis

I like to fall asleep with the television on. When I’m ready to go to sleep, I put on an old episode of Friends, set the sleep timer and close my eyes. Every. Single. Night.

I’m so committed to this practice, that I get annoyed with my husband when he asks me to turn it down or shut it off – even if I’ve got my eyes closed, and I’m almost asleep. (Bless that man for loving me in spite of this habit.)

The other day, I was on the yoga mat, preparing to practice Savasana (relaxation), and I thought, “Why is it so easy for me to surrender to rest, in complete silence, on the mat, but near impossible at night?” I tabled the question and went about the business of surrendering.

Thirty minutes later, as I was making the transition from being back to doing, I had another thought – “Tonight I’m going to keep the TV off, and observe the thoughts that arise.”

Well, it wasn’t pretty. My stream of thoughts went something like this.

“This is stupid. It’s good to fall asleep giggling at my silly Friends. I should turn the TV on.”

“No wait. I wanted to see if I could fall asleep in quiet. Let me pretend like it is Savasana.”

The longer I lay there, the more awake I became. My thoughts even drifted off the topic of falling asleep. And before I knew it, I had unearthed a massive root structure attached to this weed of a problem.

“I wish I would have been more patient with my daughter earlier today.”

“Why did I skip that walk? I really needed it.”

“I haven’t heard from Gwen in a while; I wonder if she’s mad at me? I probably hurt her somehow.”

“I did make an amazing, healthy dinner for my family tonight.”

“I really got a lot accomplished today.”

“Wait, I’m supposed to be going to sleep.”

My problem was clear – I listen to other voices when I’m falling asleep, so I can drown out the noise of my own thoughts.

Despite the apparent randomness of these thoughts, they all relate to a central theme. They are each desperate attempts to meet a singular need – the need for identity (to be seen, known and understood).

I know, I’m supposed to find my identity in Christ. But, what does that look like on a day-to-day basis? I really struggle with this. I define myself by my performance, my successes and failures, my fears, my opinions, my likes and interests, my relationships  – the list goes on, but they all start with “my.” I want to find my identity in Love (with a big “L”). But how?

I don’t have the answers yet. (In fact, in a few moments, I’m going to crawl in bed, grab the remote and settle in with my Friends.) But, when I find unmet needs, I know they are an invitation to press into Him. So, that’s what I’m going to do over the next few weeks.

Stay tuned for progress reports here in the Faith section in a series I’m calling “Hello My Name Is …”

I’d love your company on this journey. Pray for me, and I’ll pray for you. Share your insights, your questions or your story. Let’s do this together!