A Birth Story – Part Two
This post is part of a series on how to get ready for baby number two. You can read part one of my daughter’s birth story here.
Last year I read (and throughly enjoyed) Walter Isaacson’s Steve Jobs biography. Nearly everyone interviewed for the book commented on Steve’s ability to persuade those around him to believe almost anything – a propensity often referred to as his reality distortion field.
While the Jobs reality distortion field was often received with frustration and criticism, the book is filled will countless stories of it’s amazing ability to motivate those around him to accomplish the seemingly impossible.
Sadly, though, it wasn’t always successful. Sometimes, no matter how badly Steve believed in something, his reality distortion efforts failed. As I read about his early cancer diagnosis and initial rejection of a potentially lifesaving surgery, my heart literally ached. I already knew how the story ended.
I picked up the book because I can’t begin to count the ways I benefit from the Steve Jobs legacy, and I wanted to read more about his life. But, I fell in love with Jobs story, because I can relate to his struggle to find the perfect balance between the power of positive thinking and the truth that we are not in control.
I believe in the law of attraction, in goal setting and plan making. But, after my daughter’s birth, I learned that I need to hold those plans and dreams of mine with an open hand.
This pregnancy, I have spent a lot of time preparing for a successful VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I’ve had lengthy discussions with my midwives and doula. I’ve done all of my optimal fetal positioning exercises. I’ve carefully monitored my weight gain by exercising daily and eating healthfully. I have reread my Bradley Method resources and learned Hypnobirthing.
Earlier this week, we found out that the baby boy in my womb is measuring three weeks ahead of schedule. While both the OBs and midwives in my practice have been supportive, even encouraging, of a VBAC for my entire pregnancy, they are now expressing some hesitations.
Everyone is comfortable with a VBAC if my son comes on his own in the next three weeks. Then, on July 9th, they want me to do another ultrasound to assess his size and we can “make a plan from there.”
As I’ve been processing everything this week, I’m realizing that I once again have a death grip on my plans. So, I’m prying one finger open at a time. I’m laying it all at my Creator’s feet, and praying for peace, clarity and wisdom. (I would greatly appreciate your prayers, too!)
Do you struggle to find a balance between the power of positive thinking and the truth that we are not in control? What lessons did you learn from the birth of your children? I’d love to hear!
Lovely, touching column. Be well and have a happy baby, as no doubt you will. Best to Derek.
Bill Ardis
Thank you, Bill!
I’m glad this story came in two parts because I meant to comment after part 1, got busy, and then forgot.
Birth isn’t something you can really plan. We do. We write birth plans, we talk to doctors, midwives, and doulas. But planning a birth is sort of like planning the weather months in advance. Anything can happen!
Like you, I had planned a “natural” birth. Because I was over 35 and considered “high risk,” I knew I would give birth in a hospital with a doctor, but I arranged for a doula to help “ensure” everything would go to plan. My doctor was the “closest thing to a midwife as I could get,” according to my doula, so I was sure I was set. The plan was the spend the majority of my labor at home and then go to the hospital to pop the baby out.
Also like you, my baby was breech, although I was able to get him to turn around, so that didn’t mess with the plans. I was carrying low so EVERYONE informed me I would give birth early. Except no one told the baby. 40 weeks came 40 weeks went. Then 41 weeks. Then 42. At my doctor’s visit at 42 weeks, with my doula there, the doctor urged me to come into the hospital to be induced since she said there was a much greater risk of still birth past 42 weeks. My doula agreed so off we went to the hospital.
We started with cervidil, sure that that would be enough to jump start it and continue on our natural way. Keep in mind that even at 42 weeks I was barely dilated and had had nary a contraction. Cervidil turned to pitocin. Still no dilation, although the contractions were now hot and heavy. After probably 16 hours of active labor with no dilation I was getting, uh, kinda’ crazy. I mean if you labor and have *some* movement it’s one thing. But none?
I ended up getting an epidural. I did not want one, never had, and HATED it as much as I thought I would. I STILL had pain (it was like my baby was holding on to my ribs and the numb par was all below my waist) AND I couldn’t walk around which was murder.
Finally, at 24 hours, after literally trying to pull the baby down, my doctor suggested that this baby just didn’t want to come out that way. But she left it all up to us. Two seconds after she left the room, I told my husband “We’re having the C-section.”
Maybe it was because it was my choice. Maybe it was because the surgical team was all women. Maybe it was the drugs, but I was never then or now regretful about the C-section nor did I feel cheated. It was the way it was. I truly don’t believe my son wanted to come out. Period! (If you knew him as a baby and child, and even know, I often have thought he still wants to be back inside.)
The thing that didn’t go to plan that I do regret was nursing. I thought nursing would be no big deal. Again, no one ever told my son. He was not a good latcher, not a good sucker, and my milk never truly came in. We kept it up for 7 months and I’m so glad we did, but we had to supplement. I wish I had lined up a private lactation consultant the same way I had arranged a doula. One of the lactation nurses at the hospital had the nerve to tell me that “not everyone was meant to breastfeed!” Gah!
So, I totally agree that it’s hard to let go. But planning, truly planning, is really futile!
Oh Dee, thank you so much for sharing your story! I really appreciate your example of holding your plans lightly, so you can follow your intuition in the moment. You really did that well when faced with some bumps in the road! I’m working on doing that! I also love your point about lining up good support – for the birth and for Breastfeeding. I SO appreciate your taking the time to share!
Hi Jennifer! I’ve read your blog for a while, but I really had to stop by and comment on your post tonight! I just wanted to encourage you to hold onto your plan for a natural birth.
I just posted my My natural homebirth story this week. I hope it might give you some encouragement. My baby was over two weeks late and ended up being 10 pounds 11 ounces, and I had only minimal tearing. I was thankful that my midwife didn’t even request information about the baby’s size at my last ultrasound. She had faith in me, and I have faith in you! There are lots of 10+ pound babies born naturally in the birth stories at the beginning of Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth.
I remember from my Bradley classes and reading that ultrasounds can be up to a couple of pounds off, especially late in pregnancy. It makes me sad how many women I know who have been told their baby is huge and that they needed to be delivered asap, only to find that the baby was actually average or below average weight.
I have no doubt you’ll be able to birth the baby you’ve carried and grown for 9 months! No matter what size!
You are absolutely right, our lives are 100% in God’s hands, and I am sure he has a beautiful birth story planned for you! Congratulations and I’ll be praying for you!
Thank you so much for the encouragement, Shannon! I really appreciate it. I was so bummed when they said that in order to do a VBAC at my hospital (I’m not a candidate for home birth or even a birthing center where I live, because I’m a VBAC over 35 years old) they have to get an estimate of his size. I know how unreliable those figures are. My daughter was born at 36 1/2 weeks and weighed 8 lbs, 10 oz – so I won’t be surprised if my son is big as well. I just feel so sad that because I’m a VBAC, I have to jump through these hoops that the hospital and providers have because they are afraid of being sued. 🙁 But, as you said, I believe that God has an amazing story planned for this birth. I’m going to do everything I can to do what I think He is calling me to (a natural VBAC), but also trust in His provision. There is no hospital or doctor more powerful than my God! Thanks again for sharing your beautiful story!
July 9 is my birthday! Praying that Baby Hoffman will make a safe appearance before then, but if not, that’s a very nice day to be born. 😉
I think I’m too far in the other direction. I’m holding my plans so loosely that I don’t have any plans at all. Critter will do what he wants to do, I suppose.
Praying for you guys. Soon and very soon. ^_^
Katie, July 9 is one of my dear friend’s birthday, too! Wow! Maybe that will be the day. How exciting. Thank you so much for the prayers. I love that we can say “he” now with Critter! Congrats!!!
Isn’t the focus and energy best invested in raising a wonderful human being and relishing the chance to do that from day one, rather than how it is born? I’m praying that your son is healthy and that both of you remain so. I like him already….he’s eager!
You are very right Frances, I am really focusing on the blessing that he is. I do believe that how a baby is born (and what happens immediately after the birth) is very important for establishing the bond that helps them grow into a happy, healthy human being, though. Obviously, there is more than one way to create those bonds, but AE and I struggled with quite a few hurdles that made our early months pretty challenging. We have overcome all of those for sure! And, I know that my little man and I will build the same type of loving, connected bond. I’d just like the process to be as smooth as possible. I don’t want a VBAC because of some pie in the sky dream of what a natural birth can look like. I’m planning a VBAC because I truly believe it is what is best for my baby’s health and development. Hope that makes sense.