How to Chill – One Mother’s Guide

Like most mothers, I often wonder how AE and LM will one day describe me. Being the goal-setter that I am, I maintain a vision statement of sorts, a list of a few things I hope they will say about my mothering. Remembering these ideals helps me intentionally work toward them in my day-to-day routines.

One of statements I’d love to someday hear from their lips is, “Mom was able to stay cool, even when things got hot.” That is my goal, but I often feel myself heating up. Then the unhelpful self-talk begins.

“Jen, calm down.”

“Relax, Jen. You’re getting worked up again.”

In my experience saying, “You need to chill!” to someone who is stressing just fans the temper flames. So, whether talking to myself or someone else, I try to avoid saying it. Instead, I coach the process of chilling out.

When I’m doing this for myself, in the parenting trenches, it goes something like this.

Something “hot” happens…I’m trying to write a blog post about chilling out, and my daughter wakes up her brother with a meltdown about how her cards won’t go back in the box the exact way she wants.

I feel myself heating up. Before I say anything, I notice my breath and invite my exhale to lengthen. Before I pick up the baby, I take a moment to relax my shoulders. Then, I softly pull my son into my arms and remind myself of an important truth – My kids are not trying to sabotage my work. They are just being kids.

As I slowly sit down next to my daughter I say, “It looks like you’re really frustrated about those cards.” She crawls into my lap next to her brother and cries, “I’m trying to put them away before I play with something else, but they won’t go in the box.” As I hold her she cries, and I sit in gratitude that my intention to be calm allowed me to learn that she was trying to be helpful.

Within moments, my coolness is contagious. She is sitting quietly and says, “Let’s try it together, mama.” We put the cards in the box a few at a time. Before long, she’s off to play with something else. My son is nursing, and I’m back to writing.

The process of chilling out always begins with an invitation for my physical body to make a U-turn away from the heat of battle. That means slowing down my breath and relaxing muscular tension.

Then, I have to bring my mind with my body. If the source of the heat is something that is interfering with my plans (to get work done, to walk out the door, to make dinner, etc.), I remind myself of the truth that my kids are not out to destroy my plans. They have needs, I have needs, and there is a solution available for meeting everyone’s needs.

Sometimes the source of the heat is a fear about the future. “What if she never learns to x?” “What if this is a sign he’ll always y?” “What if I still have to do z for them when they are 20?” When I feel myself what if-ing, I take a moment to gain some perspective.

I’ve only been a mama for three and a half years. But even in that short amount of time, I can see so clearly how many precious moments I have wasted worrying about things (like her hesitancy to eat solids or that awful toddler hitting phase) that have naturally resolved as she’s aged. I have a role to play in helping my kids grow and mature, but I’m best able guide when I act from cool intention instead of hot fear.

Life gets hot for all of us. Before I became a mother, I often jumped right into the fire. Rarely did that get results. Slowly but surely, I’m coaching myself through the process of chilling out. May it become such a habit that when my kids are older they will say, “My mom could always stay cool when things got hot.”

What are your calm down coaching tips? I’d love to hear!