Not Something I Usually Talk About

I don’t talk about this subject with just anyone partially because I NEVER in a million years imagined I’d be doing this. In fact, before I was a mother myself, I felt a strong opposition to this. But, the main reason I avoid this topic is because I know in my knower, with 100% certainty, that I’m doing what’s right for my family. I’m not interested in a debate.

I have not yet posted about this here at EBIT, because I didn’t have a clear intention. I wasn’t sure what it would accomplish, and I thought a “confession” post might look like I was ashamed. And, I’m so not ashamed of this!

Over the course of my pregnancy, I felt a growing impulse to talk to you about this. What was once easy became a little more challenging, and I started to believe that telling my story might help someone else. But, I never felt fully convicted. So, I kept it to myself.

Well, in the 2 weeks since LM’s birth, this topic has become all-consuming. I feel no less confident in my belief that it is the right thing to do, but actually doing it has become So. Very. Challenging.

And, until last Saturday, I felt pretty lonely in this particular struggle. Of all my mom friends, I know not one single woman who has dealt with this. None of my friends can speak from experience and say, “I’ve been there, it will get better.”

Thankfully, I knew where I could go to find some women who could say that. And, let me tell you. I went to those women, and they empathized, they encouraged, they built me up. And now, I feel so much better!

How could I not want to do the same for any woman who googles this topic in the desperate hours of the night, as tears drip off her chin and onto her laptop?

So, here goes nothing. AE, my newly minted 3-year old, is still breastfeeding. I nursed her throughout my pregnancy with LM. And, I’m currently nursing both of them.

I am a tandem nurser. It was NOT easy to nurse while pregnant and the transition to nursing two kids has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Nursing while pregnant was painful. But that pain was mitigated when I focused on the fact that for my daughter, this act that started out feeding her body, now nourishes her heart. It is way for her to feel connected to and comforted by me.

For the last six months of my pregnancy, AE only really nursed at nap time and bedtime. But, as her little 3-year-old brain works overtime to understand and adjust to the new family dynamic since her brother’s birth, she wants to nurse every single time he is nursing. On several occasions, she has told me she doesn’t want him to nurse at all.

My mama heart breaks when I have to say “no” or “not right now” and she cries and says, “But I feel loved when I nurse. Nursing makes me happy. I want to have special nursing time with just you.”

(I do have to say, though – she loves this little guy so much! She is so proud to show him off and begs to hold, hug and kiss him!)

I have a few words of encouragement for any other mama who is trying tandem nursing. But, this is the most important thing I want you to hear. It is totally normal to feel BOTH 100% sure you should continue nursing your older child and 100% annoyed, bothered, weirded out by the fact you are still nursing your older child. Wade in the beautiful waters of grace, dear mama. Let it wash over you as you work to meet the physical and emotional needs of the sweet babes in your care.

I’m still new to this. I can’t tell you how this journey will evolve or play out. But, I can share a few things that are encouraging me as I go:

– You are not alone. Other woman have gone before you (and felt equally overwhelmed by this process). Reach out and find them! They are a needed lifeline.

– I hear it gets better. (The lovely ladies at LLL told me their older kids stopped asking to nurse every time the baby nurses after about 6 weeks – I promise to update you with my experience.)

– It is actually a really wonderful thing that the older child can clearly articulate their feelings (no matter how hard they are for mama to hear). Try very hard to calmly listen to those big feelings. When my daughter says that she feels loved when she nurses, I take a deep breath, repeat that back to her and then ask, “How else do you feel my love?”

– Take care of your own big feelings. Write. Talk. Pray. Relax. Breathe. I know you are busy and it feels like there is no time. Make time. Grab a spatula and scrape a few minutes from the sides of the jar of life.

I fully support women who either can’t or choose not to nurse their babies. I don’t for one second think every toddler/preschooler should be nursing. Nor do I think tandem nursing is right for everyone.

What I am saying is that if you know it is right for your family, but it is hard, you are not alone! I hope you can feel the biggest virtual hug from me. Your love and dedication to your kids is beautiful, sweet mama.

Have you practiced tandem nursing? Do you have words of encouragement to offer other mamas? Do you need some love and support? Feel free to share your story in the comments below or email me. 

(An important note about the comments on this post. I want this page to provide much-needed support to mamas that are going through a rough adjustment period. For that reason, I will not approve any comments that question the appropriateness of nursing older children or tandem nursing. So, kindly do this hormonal, postpartum mama going through a tough adjustment of her own a favor and just abstain from submitting them. Thank you!)