Will You Remember?

Dear Sweet First-Born Daughter of Mine,

Here we are, happily embracing the third trimester of my pregnancy with your long-awaited younger brother. We are both so excited. At the tender age of two, you started asking for a baby brother. I often think you had a heart connection with him before he was even conceived.

You know I’ve wanted this for you since before I even held you in my arms. I was just a teenager when I began dreaming of a large family. Pictures of cars filled to the brim with passengers, copious pairs of shoes at the door, packed Holiday tables and even big sibling fights have filled my imagination for years. Goodness, we had not even left the hospital after you were born when I asked the doctor how long I had to wait to have another baby.

It’s so hard to believe that was nearly three years ago. While a part of me has longed to be here, expecting another baby, for much of that time, I’m so grateful for every second we’ve had…just us. 

It’s been pretty amazing hasn’t it. You and I have learned so much along the way. While I held you in my arms, you welcomed me slowly, but fully into my role as Mama. As you’ve grown, I’m sure I have learned far more than I have taught. The connection we share my sweet, sweet girl is so very important to me.

So, I find myself this churning, burning mess of emotions lately. There is no doubt joy and anticipation. I know in the deepest part of my being that the relationship you will have with this baby is going to be one of your most cherished in life.

But, when I’m honest, I have to admit sadness and fear are also thrown into the mix (along with a healthy dose of pregnancy hormones). For weeks I’ve struggled to understand those emotions. I’ve even tried to ignore and bury them. I have been afraid that they cannot occupy the same container as the profound love I already feel for your brother.

Then last week, despite the blurry vision caused by a steady stream of tears, something came into focus. We were on our last family vacation just the three of us. You, daddy and I were having such an amazing time in our favorite place. And, I remembered a question people often ask me when I tell them we are taking you on a Disney vacation. “Isn’t she a little young? Will she even remember it?”

The second part of that question seemed to scratch an itch that has been nagging at my soul. Will you remember these three years we’ve had together just us? Have I done enough to etch my forever love on your heart? Will you always cherish the lessons we’ve learned together as I’ve become Mama? Will our bond, our heart connection, remain intact even as we tie another being into the family?

It was a gift from our Father that I was finally able to articulate those fears on our vacation. For, I know the answer I give when people ask me if you’ll remember our Disney vacations. “Maybe she won’t have specific memories, but on these trips we are writing tales of happiness, laughter, family tradition and togetherness on her heart that I believe will stay with her forever.”

Oh, my sweet AE, how I hope you will remember these three years. Maybe not the specific moments of this journey, but I pray I’ve written a tale a love onto your heart that will forever remain. As I honestly, openly process these fears in the coming months, I will watch this video of our fantastic vacation and try myself to remember enough for both of us.

With a heart filled to the brim with love,

Mama