“You’re Doing What!?” The Positive Discipline Edition

AE came into this world with a well-defined ability to express her needs. While it’s true that most babies can communicate their needs, AE was a particularly good communicator.

For the first year of her life, she and I generally agreed on the best strategies for meeting those needs.

• – She welcomed my use of on-demand nursing and child-led weaning to meet her nutritional and emotional needs.
• – She agreed with me that her nighttime needs were best satisfied by cosleeping.
• – AE even happily rode in the carrier for walks and errands, so we could satisfy both her need for attachment and some of my needs, too.

But, somewhere around her first birthday, our need-meeting agendas began to clash. Initially, I handled these new “confrontations” in one of two ways. I either acquiesced to her agenda, or I insisted upon my own agenda.

While one of us got what we wanted, the other person lost out. When AE was the “winner,” I told myself that she was too young to understand. When she was the “loser,” I justified it as a necessary establishment of boundaries.

But, these justifications did nothing to calm a growing sense of apprehension in the pit of my stomach. I’m blessed with a gut that often tells me something is wrong before my head knows why.

So, I started reading. One of the first books I picked up was Hal Runkel’s Screamfree Parenting, a book that helps you create a relationship with your family “where your position is that of an inspiring influence; a relationship where your number-one leadership role in the family is that of a calming authority.”

Why wouldn’t AE want a mom who was calm even when things got messy? Iwant to be a mom, a woman, who can remain calm, even in chaos (still working on it)!

As I began dealing with my own anxiety, the way I interacted with AE started changing. And, the turbulent waters in the pit of my belly began to calm. But, I needed more tools in my positive discipline tool kit.

That’s when I picked up Alfie Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting. His ideas about the ineffectiveness of punishment (spanking, time outs, etc.) and his admonishment of positive reinforcement (rewards, praise like “good girl,” etc.) surprised me.

But, these ideas sat unexpectedly well with my gut. The more research I did, the more convinced I became that neither punishment nor positive reinforcement were going to help AE develop her own internal discipline and compassion for others.

So, I started working with AE to develop strategies for meeting our needs. This approach isn’t speedy, but most worthwhile endeavors take time.

As with many parenting choices, one of the hardest things about choosing how to discipline AE is, I’m not able to instantly see the long-term effects of my choices. It’s often tempting to make the choice that feels easiest in the moment.

But, the goal of this job isn’t getting through the day with the most compliance from AE. My ultimate goal is to raise another human being. For something of that magnitude, I can’t let society’s norms dictate my course of action. I have to follow my gut.

P.S. This post is part of a series talking about finding confidence in the face of “You’re Doing What!?” questions. Check out other posts in this series here.

Are you ever tempted to ignore your gut instincts because society says you should parent another way? How have you learned to have confidence even in the face of “You’re Doing What!?” questions? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!

This post was shared with the Tuesday Baby Link Up Community.