A Story – The Battle

This week I’m telling a story. You can read the introduction here.

I spent the whole five-hour cross-country flight involved in an intense conversation between my emotional heart and my logical brain. As I gripped Derek’s hand, I tried to fight the tears that had been flowing nonstop since my world had come undone just a few weeks earlier.

“This is for the best,” Logic pleaded with Heart. “The trip to Napa will be so much more fun now that you’re not pregnant anymore!”

“That is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever said,” Heart scolded Logic! “I would give anything for that baby to still be in my belly. I wanted that baby more than any glass of wine!”

“You can’t change what happened, so just put it out of your mind,” Logic pleaded. “I know it’s only been a few weeks, but this trip is a chance to put it all out of your mind. It’s a wonderful distraction.”

“No it is not! It’s just one of many events that is not going according to plan.” Heart cried back, causing tears to flow endlessly down my checks as I looked at the clouds outside the plane window.” I was supposed to be showing off my burgeoning bump each time I passed on a glass of wine. I was supposed to be going to this yoga workshop, loving life in the second trimester. But no, that doctor had to say those horrible words ‘there is no heartbeat.'”

My quiet tears gave way to loud sobs. Derek squeezed my hand, but didn’t speak.

“At least you got pregnant,” Logic was so sick and tired of Heart’s antics. “You’ll get pregnant again and you’ll look at that baby and realize the other one was never meant to be. You’ll know the baby that is coming is the one meant for you.”

“First of all, you don’t know that I’ll get pregnant again,” Heart was fighting to be heard. “And, even if I do, you don’t know that this won’t happen again. And, you’re forgetting that I am that baby’s mama, and we will be reunited one day! Oh, how I long for that day. I want to hold that baby so badly it hurts.”

“Stop it already!! Stop it,” Logic demanded. “I’ve been listening to you do this for the last couple weeks. Look, the plane is landing. Take a few deep breaths and put it out of your mind. A weekend in Napa followed by a week-long yoga training with your beloved friend and mentor await you. Focus on that!”

As I stepped off that plane I did as Logic instructed, and I tried so hard to just forget about the pain, the profound sadness that Heart seemed intent on reminding me of.

The story continues here in a beautiful town in Napa Valley, where a winner is declared in this battle of Heart verses Logic.