Just Keeping It Real
There are few expressions I loathe as much as “just keeping it real.” It’s not that I’m against open, honest communication. But this phrase, this excuse, has become a weapon, particularly on these here internets.
My heart hurts every time it is used to berate and discredit amazing people who find beauty in unexpected places (like this hero of mine). What does it say about our own hearts if we assume all happiness we encounter is fake?
My stomach churns every time this saying is used as validation for emotional expression that isn’t accompanied by thoughtful reflection. Emotions are real, but sometimes they are based upon lies. The hard work of emotional authenticity is not complete with expression of emotion. A rant alone is not evidence of emotional intelligence. (This blog is a shining example of what beautiful, real emotional authenticity really looks like.)
I try very hard to be honest with you here. But I cannot shine light on every part of my life in this space, some of it must remain in the shadows. Sometimes, my heart is heavy with the burdens of a story that I cannot share. And, I refuse to believe that fact does anything to undermine my authenticity.
Today, the most honest, genuine thing to say is that I’m on bended knee. Someone I love is hurting. Fear has a stranglehold on Hope in my heart right now. I’d love to share every detail with you, to get your input and your support, but I just can’t. It simply is not my story to tell.
Tomorrow, things will look much like they did yesterday here at Every Breath I Take. I’ll be back with a typical yoga post. Someone who knows me in the real world might see that as dishonest, but I know that just because I can’t say everything, doesn’t mean I have to say nothing at all.
What do you think? Does the “I’m just keeping it real” excuse get under your skin, too? I’d love to hear!
I think…it varies. There are some people, and some times, when the only thing you can do is pour out that emotion. To empty yourself of the feelings in order to create space for thoughtful reflection.
There’s no reason anyone should feel the need to do that in public, on the internet, though. How and with whom you process those emotions is completely individual–some prefer solitary reflection, others confide in one or two close friends, others choose to share with the semi-anonymous internet community.
And I see the point of those who share publicly (meaning with many people IRL and/or on the internet). When you only ever share the thoughtful reflection–the lessons you’ve learned once you’re on the other side of the dark time–it’s easy for those around you to downplay the negative side of things, to feel lost and despair because everyone around them either has happy perfect lives or pithy lessons-learned from tragedies that weren’t-so-bad-after-all, and all you’ve got is a miserable mess that’s not teaching you anything (yet).
But–there are many ways to process emotions, highs as well as lows, and no one has an obligation to do it the way someone else prefers. And, as you say, the happinesses are themselves real. So one could say they’re “keeping it real” to share the good things, too, and to imply that only the bad stuff is real is silly.
Anyway. This was an insanely long comment. Most importantly, hugs, lots and lots of hugs, and may Hope win out over Fear in the end.
I really appreciate your comments, Katie. And I agree, pouring it all out is important and appropriate (even on the Internet). I become concerned when one person’s need to “be real” isn’t balanced with a compassionate, graceful acknowledgement of the personhood of another. I’m talking specifically about venting our feelings about those we love and share life with, without also considering their feelings. Sometimes, we need to choose a more private venue for venting so as not to harm our loved ones. Does that make sense?
When it boils down to it, if someone is being authentic and genuine (as you beautifully articulate in your comment) they don’t have to advertise it. But, when people have to say, “I’m just keeping it real,” I begin to question whether they really are.
Agreed! I also have a problem with people “just telling it like it is” who are really just being rude. 🙂
Oooh my goodness, the computer just ate my long lovely comment. 🙁
Jennifer, yes! I think I lost track in my meandering of something I meant to say above: that if you’re venting to complain about someone else and are being cruel or critical or in any way telling a story that is only theirs to tell, that’s Not Ok.
There’s a big difference between saying, “I’m just keeping it real about you”–this person isn’t as awesome as you think she is and here’s why–and saying, “I’m just keeping it real about me”–I’m hurting and am not perfect and I want to share that about you so that you can help me or so that I can help you if you’ve been comparing yourself to an unreal version of me.
The former should be roundly condemned (though I suppose I could think of an exception to every rule), while the latter is okay, at least in my book. I think your “Imperfect Practice” posts are even a version of the latter, a way for people to show that they’re not perfect but that imperfection doesn’t stop us from doing great things. “Keeping it real” can be affirming or it can be hurtful, and we need to watch our words in any public space.
({HUGS})