Online Friendships: Mouse Clicks and Kindred Spirits

Gosh y’all, I couldn’t be more excited to host the incredible Megan Tietz from SortaCrunchy today!  She has inspired me in so many ways. I asked her to share with us today about something that has become very real in my life the last year – online friendships. Enjoy her post and don’t miss the giveaway of her BRAND NEW book at the end!!

By: Megan Tietz

At first, I was just a lurker.

I lurked on message boards for Weight Watchers and fans of The Bachelor and people who love cats. I loved reading the witty banter as it played out amongst the members of these discussion forums. I found myself sometimes laughing, sometimes in tears, but always interested in these friendships that formed in spaces where words were written instead of spoken.

In May of 2004, my shaking hands held a positive pregnancy test. My husband and I had been trying (albeit a little half-heartedly) for nine months. I had seen so many negative results that I think I started at that first positive test for an hour. When my mind finally focused on the reality of the situation, I raced to my computer and within five minutes, I found myself nervously treading the boards of a major parenting site.

We gathered by Estimated Due Date, and weeks before a doctor would confirm my pregnancy, I estimated that I was due in mid-January 2005. From my first click on that message board, I found myself completely sucked in. I was no longer a lurker, I was an active member of a large community of women joined by one single thread of shared interest – we would go through our pregnancies together.

As you might imagine, we mourned alongside those who lost the babies that brought them to that parenting forum. We prayed over those born frighteningly early – some survived and some did not. For many of us, our January due dates delivered brand new babies into our arms. And when we began sharing pictures of our sweet ones, a few voiced concerns about the very public nature of our gathering place, and so nearly 100 of us moved to a private message board – and that move, in a very real way, changed my life.

We talked about anything and everything under the sun in our private sanctuary on the web. Marriage problems, parenting concerns, what to fix for dinner that night … It was like a virtual coffee klatch where the conversation was often funny and always vibrant.

After a while, I noticed that I found myself nodding along with and agreeing to most everything that one of the other members shared. In everything from politics to faith to parenting to TV shows, I would agree with what she had said. In fact, it became something of a joke how often my response to a conversation thread would be “Ditto what Laura said!”

Message board posts turned to private emails. Private emails led to long phone calls. Through the magic of the internet, I had found an incredible friend, a kindred spirit who grew to be one of my closest, dearest friends years (and years!) before we were ever in the same breathing space. Laura and I seemed to be on parallel paths, and as we confided in each other more of our earliest experiences in parenting, it was like hearing my own story spoken in precise detail by someone else.

We spent a lot of time talking about all that we had wished we had known, all that we wished someone had told us in those earliest days of motherhood. And somehow, in the midst of those conversations, God began to grow in us a passion for a message that we ourselves had so longed to hear, a message of freedom and hope and inspiration for other new parents. In 2008, three years after we met on a message board and three years before we would meet in the flesh, Laura and I began writing a book together.

And as we began to share our vision and hope and dream for our book, we found ourselves answering the same question over and over: “Now, how do you two know each other?” It’s a question to be expected, of course, but I have to admit at first I felt a little shy in answering. We met, uh, online? For the first time, I had very real empathy for couples whose matchmaking stemmed from mouse clicks and keyboard taps rather than in blind dates and singles trips.

Some are puzzled by the close friendship Laura and I formed, miles away from each other and years before meeting face-to-face. Others, though, completely understand it because so many people are discovering that physical proximity and tangible presence are no longer requirements on which a friendship must be built!

What is the appeal of virtual friendships? I have to think that its remarkably similar to the appeal our parents and grandparents found in writing to pen pals. There is something precious and powerful about the written word. There is a certain intimacy in reading the words of another, and there is a sense of permanence in reading as opposed to hearing. Words can be read and re-read, thought about and lingered on and solidified. This is, of course, both good and bad, but in the realm of friendship, getting to know one another through our words offers us all the chance to speak from a safe place that which we might not have the boldness to utter from our mouths.

The picture above was taken at the end of an incredible weekend Laura and I got to spend together with our families here in my home. This was taken last fall, our first meeting a full six years after Laura and I first met online. And it was just as natural and easy as it would have been to invite my best friend from high school to spend time with us at home. Meeting a long-time online friend brings with it great anticipation and not just a little nervousness. And sure, sometimes people are a little different than the online persona they have built, but I have not once been disappointed after meeting in the flesh a person with whom my heart has connected in the online realm.

Meeting “in real life” (that’s such a funny phrase, isn’t it? My online life is just as real as my offline life) is a treasure and a treat, and yet I have to confess that some of my very best friends are people I’ve never even shared a phone call with. Via blog posts and comments, Facebook discussions and emails, my heart has grown impossibly and wonderfully intertwined with a tribe of friends who have met some of my deepest relationship needs. These sweet friends have cheered me on, listened to me vent, lit a fire under me, and I’ve never seen their eyes twinkle when they smile (though I imagine it often).

In a world where we can tweet at celebrities on Twitter, politely harass our politicians on Facebook, and share our genuine admiration of our favorite author in a comment on her blog, it seems that boundaries that once seemed so firm are now being dismantled, brick-by-brick. Relationships of all varieties are slowly evolving, and I am hooting and hollering in applause for this beautiful change. I can’t imagine my life without my beloved invisible friends.

And so, in a few short days, Laura and I will release our book into the world, the message that sprang from a message board and the friendship that was formed there. I’m so glad I found the courage to be more than just a lurker.

 

For six years, Megan Tietz has written about faith, family, and a life more natural at SortaCrunchy. She is the co-author of Spirit-Led Parenting: From Fear to Freedom in Baby’s First Year. When she’s not checking in on her invisible friends, she’s hanging out with her two brown-eyed daughters and handsome husband in their home on the plains of western Oklahoma.

 

 

 

 

GIVEAWAY: Megan and Laura’s book, Spirit-Led Parenting, is releasing on April 1st and is available for preorder right now! But, I have THREE copies to giveaway! Here are the giveaway details:

  • PRIZE: A Copy of Spirit-Led Parenting: From Fear to Freedom in Baby’s First Year by Megan Tietz and Laura Oyer
  • TO ENTER: Subscribe to Every Breath I Take and comment below telling me how you do (NEW subscribers welcome!). Leave a separate comment for EACH way you connect with me – email (just click subscribe to new posts via email when you are commenting) or reader subscriber, Facebook fan, Twitter follower and/or weekly newsletter subscriber (Email subscribe@everybreathitake.com to sign up). That’s right, if you’re a super fan – you could get as many FOUR entries, but only if you leave four separate comments!
  • BONUS QUESTION: … Do you have any online friendships? Tell Megan and I about them with comment about how you subscribe.
  • GIVEAWAY CLOSES: Wednesday, March 28st at 11:59pm EDT
  • NUMBER OF WINNERS: THREE! (I’ll use Random.Org to choose the three winners.)
  • PRIZE SHIPS: The United States, the first week of April

GIVEAWAY NOW CLOSED! Congrats to the winners (selected using random.org): Comment #28 (Kimberly), Comment #8 (Becca S), Comment #40 (Megan H)! Winners check your email inbox for details!

Note: I wasn’t paid or perked for this giveaway. I just think this book is going to be so powerful, and I want to thank (or welcome) members of the Every Breath I Take community! 

This article has 57 comments

  3. Katie Reply

    I think I just subscribed to posts via email? I never could find a button to do this when I’ve visited you before, but I just checked the “Notify me of new posts by email” box when I commented so…maybe that did it?

  5. Katie Reply

    The topic of online friendships is fascinating to me, and very near and dear to my heart. I have an excruciatingly difficult time making friends face-to-face, but since I stumbled across SortaCrunchy (and I have no idea how I ended up there, now), I’ve begun to develop friendships with several wonderful women online.

    Before that, I connected with old friends and acquaintances on Facebook who live far away. I’m not sure what my life would be like without the internet, really–would that force me to connect with people that I see face to face, or would I just be lonely and mostly friendless? Luckily, I guess I don’t have to find out. ^_^

    Here’s to shirking the lurker, online and off.

  13. Becca S Reply

    Like Katie, I’m not sure if I did it right but I think I’m subscribed by email?

  15. Mary Reply

    And now, I’d like to say that I have met MANY friends online…Some of them will be friends for life…Most notable of those, my husband. There used to be such a stigma attached to saying you met a friend or your spouse online and I am so glad that is no longer the case.

    My husband and I have a 3 month old baby girl and I came across Megan’s website while researching cloth diapering or “natural” parenting techniques or something like that…I can’t even remember…(mommy brain! haha) But I’m glad I found it, and I’m so glad to have found other sites, like yours, through her!

  16. Sarah @ This Heavenly Life Reply

    Is the bonus question an extra entry? I’ll tell you my story anyway!

    I’ve loved being able to connect with women through blogging, but the MOST unbelievable part is that I’ve made BEST friends. It’s so awesome to be able to meet others that seem so….kindred. I’ve met several blog friends now (although my husband is always a little nervous about the prospect!) and being together in-person is like coming home. Seeing our kids play together, our husbands laughing together, and just getting to actually HUG is so amazing.

    Online friendships are so real, and so very, very worthwhile.

  17. Alia Joy Reply

    Oh, I love Laura too, even in the brief time I met her. She’s such a beautiful person. I love this story of how you guys met and that the internet has allowed for genuine friendships to grow.Can’t wait to read your book. Love to you both.

  25. Tiffany Reply

    …and via RSS! I have several online friends! Most are friends-of-friends or friends-of-friends-of-friends that I’ve found through the blogging world. 🙂

  26. Kimberly Reply

    So exciting! I read Sorta Crunchy all the time, and I’m glad to read this blog now, too! 🙂 I”m subscribing to new posts via this comment. 🙂

  31. Elisabeth Reply

    Hm, tried to sign up via RSS but when I clicked on all posts got this message??

    XML Parsing Error: XML or text declaration not at start of entity
    Location: http://everybreathitake.com/feed/
    Line Number 3, Column 1:
    ^

    I don’t speak code yet 🙂

  34. Leanne Reply

    I’m a new follower on facebook 🙂 so happy to have found you!

  35. Amy Reply

    I don’t even know how i came across Megan’s blog but what a blessing! It is such a sigh of relief to connect with moms that don’t follow the mainstream and long to be a natural, Christ-led parent:)I was so excited to hear about your book. Also glad to be following your blog as well!

  36. lori Reply

    As one of those mamas that’s known you both from the beginning, you know I understand. Heck I just ran a marathon w Piper and that’s only the second time I’ve met her in real life. These bonds we have are definitely deep and very real. So proud of you girls. Xoxo

  42. Katherine Willis Pershey Reply

    I’m a new Facebook fan. And I am so, so excited about your book!

  43. Kelly @ Love Well Reply

    I feel the same way about so many of my “online” friends, so this doesn’t seem weird to me at all. It’s a little hard to explain to people who don’t blog or who don’t use social media much. But hey. 🙂 Why expect the world to be homogenous.

    I am a NEW subscriber, Jen, which is funny because I thought I subscribed when you first sponsored over at SortaCrunchy.

  45. Adriel @ the memos Reply

    i love this post megan. yes, i have ben so enriched by my online friendships. my husband was amazed by how many christmas cards came in the mail this year from “blogging friends” or “forum friends”. they are truly a gift!
    i’m a new subscriber by rss. 🙂

  48. Carolyn Reply

    I love the online friends I’ve made and how the blogs I read have truly enriched my life!

  51. Jennifer y. Reply

    And signed up for new posts via email. Trying to follow you by twitter but I’m having issues w/twitter tonight.

  52. Jennifer y. Reply

    I have several online friends, a few I suspect are from the same forum Megan talks about. They helped me through difficult moments and were like “mentors” to me, there for me 24/7 when “in real life” friends weren’t. They helped me learn about different ways of parenting, beyond the mainstream, adapting to and accepting the medical issues we faced with preemies, and just helped with everything and helped me find my own way of mothering. So very thankful for them and all of you too, all of the bloggers who are brave enough and kind enough to share your wisdom and help us all on this journey. Thank you!!

  57. Milagros Reply

    I am friends with some amazing women that I “met”online on a babywearing forum. We went from talking about wrapping our babies to everything else: family/marriage/parenting etc… I speak to a group of mamas every single day and can honestly say that have helped me in those times of parenting days that seem like I could be all alone. I remember when I first became a mom how isolated I felt…no longer thanks to my mama friends.

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