You’re Doing What?! The Child-Led Weaning Edition

I’m sure I had quite a few crazy pregnancy dreams, but one of them stands out in my mind – probably because I had it at least once a week during the last trimester. (It might also have something to do with the fact that it always ended with my sweaty, very pregnant body frantically bolting up in bed!)

The dream always began with the scariest words coming out of my mouth. “Derek, we have to figure out how to feed this baby TODAY. She’s three days old and hasn’t eaten anything yet.”

In an effort to appease my subliminal mind, I read every breastfeeding book I could get my hands on. I made my doula promise that she would not leave my side until my baby girl was happily nursing. I lined up a lactation consultant who made house calls. Despite my reoccurring dream, I was ready!

And, all that support really helped. While AE did breastfeeding her own way (nursed constantly, only from one side and downright refused breast milk from a bottle), she thrived. In fact, I regularly had to clean lint from the most adorable rolls in her arms and legs.

When she was about six months old, we mashed up a banana and offered it to AE as her first solid food. It was not pretty. There were tears, hers and mine. There was projectile vomiting, hers and almost mine.

Over the next few days and weeks, we tried, in vain, to find something that she liked. Since I was making everything from scratch, I was really frustrated. Finally, Derek suggested we stop trying for a while.

Every few weeks, we offered her solids; she refused, and I cried. I was having a new scary reoccurring dream – that I was away from her for more than two hours and she was starving.

At her nine-month check-up, the doctor said there didn’t appear to be a medical cause for her refusal of solids. Since AE’s weight was still increasing, they were not concerned.

But, I was a ball of stress. When people found out I was still nursing exclusively, they had one of two responses. “You have to wean her so she is forced to eat.” Or, “Don’t worry about it. Look how big and healthy she is. You’re doing great!”

I politely ignored those who suggested I wean. That would have been too traumatic for my little girl, and I wanted her to initiate the weaning process.

While the second comment was kind, it didn’t do anything to address the weight of responsibility I felt. Nobody else could feed her. What if I got sick? Will I ever be able to have another baby? What if I wanted to go somewhere for more than two hours? I felt trapped. Then, I felt guilty for feeling trapped.

Something had to change. And, as much as I wanted that “thing” to be AE, there was no sign of her eating solids anytime soon.

After some time on the yoga mat one morning, I realized I was living in the Land of What If. I enjoyed the actual time I spent nursing AE. The source of my stress was all the “what if” thoughts.

I do not ever want to parent from the Land of What If. If I’m going to remain connected with AE, I have to live with her in the Land of What Is.

So, every time I felt the worry start to wash over me, I would look into her big brown eyes. I would stroke the skin on the back of her hand. I would hold her close and breathe in her aroma. I would kiss her little nose.

When was porous to those moments with her her worry and anxiety were replaced with confidence and peace. It did not matter what anyone else thought. I didn’t need to have all the answers, or know exactly what the future held. I was doing what was best for my child in the present.

Finally, at about 15 months old, AE discovered that the solid food from mommy and daddy’s plates was pretty good after all. She’s actually quite the foodie now, just like her mama.

Thankfully, the last six months of our exclusive nursing relationship were pretty peaceful, even though I was regularly asked “You’re one-year-old doesn’t eat anything and still nurses?!”

P.S. This post is part of a series talking about finding confidence in the face of “You’re Doing What?” questions. Check out other posts in this series here.

Have you also struggled to quiet the “what if” thoughts? Anyone else have a baby who refused solids for a while? How did you remain calm? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!